Being Numb

It is strange how people can change, and forget the past. It is one of the strangest behaviours I have experienced. And it is also painful, apart from being irritably peculiar. It is painful because when we meet someone, become friends and let them into our world we take them in with who they portray themselves to be, and because we like that personality of theirs. And if after you’ve let them in, and placed them close to your heart and put faith in them, they change.

 They are no longer the person you let in and gave your heart to. No longer the personality you liked. But there they are, in your world and they chuck you out of their world, because you no longer match their changed likes. And it’s so stupid, that they don’t know and they don’t care about you being alone and sad, about how unfair things have been to you.

They change to the point where your begging, stooping low and crying is not sufficient enough to get them back and you just stay still, so afraid of moving on that you think being still is the safest thing to do.

They change to the point where whatever good you did for them, counts for nothing, and it’s more like they can pay you back for all your little gestures of love and affection. Probably your affection is just another favour they owe, like a loan they took once.

 They change to the point where you have to stop and ask yourself- “this is what you let in?” Not a ‘who’, but a ‘what’. Because that person no longer feels like a person anymore, the person becomes more of an object that causes you pain every time you look at ‘it’, think about ‘it’ or maybe just name ‘it’.

They change to the point where at some point it stops hurting. Where it becomes numb. And it’s more of a joke; the trust, the love, the memories, all become a joke and you laugh at it, and feel so stupid for putting faith in ‘it’. That point is where I am right now.

This part of my life is called being numb. You can cut me and you will not find blood. This is where I have reached, to being numb. I have made my share of mistakes, I agree. But I am also sure that I have never made anyone numb. And I hope I never do a thing such as this, because that would be the end of me as I know it.

It does not feel as bad now, as it felt a few months back, being left and isolated has become so common that it feels a part of normal life, and although there still are people whom I have let in my world and placed close to my heart, I no longer give them the right to break me down. Because I don’t know what point lies ahead of being numb, and to tell you the truth, I have no intentions of exploring any further. I’d rather die.

Choosing The Path...

Wouldn’t it be a very regular day if little red riding hood took the safer road, the path known. She’d have reached safely, met her granny, they’d have eaten the goodies, they’d have chatted a little, and nothing would’ve gone wrong. But then, little red riding hood’s story would not have been that adventurous, right? She took a path that intrigued her more, a path less travelled, a path that didn’t actually go too well with the definition of being safe.

Life is all about choosing a path that intrigues you, it may not be usually the path that is chosen by most people but then, we all can’t have the same interests. Taking risks is what life is all about; it’s about discovering things around us, exploring new avenues. It’s probably not everyone’s cup of tea to tread in directions strange but, for me that’s the only way I do things. It does remove the ease with which I can move ahead, it adds a few spirals in my path but then nothing’s wrong in enjoying life’s journey at a pace which is a little slower.

A little adventure in life, small risks, a bagful of determination and humour is all that one needs to travel through life, rest of the things keep coming along the way. Life can be a straight smooth road, with security and all things clear, without doubt and fear, but what sort of a life would that be? Or Life can be a rollercoaster with its own ups and downs, its own moments of terror and anxiety, of fun and thrill, its own twists and turns and then you better make the most of it before the fun ends.

Learning...

I have never cried so much in my life as in the last two years. These years have brought floods of tears, of joy and of pain. These years have taught me about smiling in pain, about self-respect and dignity, about selflessness, about selfishness, about pain, grief, joy, charity, about holding on to things and about letting go…

All this has made me a stronger person, yet I tend to be weak at times and tears still fall… The lessons I have learnt are precious and have changed me and made me a better person. I have made friends in strange ways, and lost few too. Life does this too everyone I suppose, these are the challenges that life throws at us, it gives us choices and respective consequences. It tests our intuition and rewards us in its own miraculous ways. Few months back these years seemed like a punishment but, now I know it’s for the better, and I am looking forward to the next two years as well, because they hold more experiences, more opportunities, more magic…

And in this situation I remember a mentor of mine, Rev. Fr. John Prakash, for once he told me, “There are no problems my dear, there are only opportunities.” I didn’t get him then, but now I know what he meant. Life is like this big jigsaw puzzle, I guess in my case I just got a few pieces in the right place already…

Finally...

Finally, I could muster up enough strength to keep away my laziness and inner conflicts  and could start writing. Time brings about changes... Within and around us, and we lose or gain certain traits,unfortunately in my case i have lost a few. And now is my time to reclaim who I was, and I ain't gonna lose my chance this time. It's been long since I wrote last, I don't actually remember when was the last time that I was satisfied with what I wrote, so I thought I'd try again, and this time I will write to Express myself, thus the name Evince. I may still feel unsatisfied with my post, but that would also in one way mean that it is the way i am feeling,the feeling of unsatisfaction. And so, when  I finally start feeling satisfied with what I write i.e. with my expression of what I think, it will mean I feel Satisfied and then I will be able to fix myself up... What is to be fixed,will be written soon enough...