Being Numb

It is strange how people can change, and forget the past. It is one of the strangest behaviours I have experienced. And it is also painful, apart from being irritably peculiar. It is painful because when we meet someone, become friends and let them into our world we take them in with who they portray themselves to be, and because we like that personality of theirs. And if after you’ve let them in, and placed them close to your heart and put faith in them, they change.

 They are no longer the person you let in and gave your heart to. No longer the personality you liked. But there they are, in your world and they chuck you out of their world, because you no longer match their changed likes. And it’s so stupid, that they don’t know and they don’t care about you being alone and sad, about how unfair things have been to you.

They change to the point where your begging, stooping low and crying is not sufficient enough to get them back and you just stay still, so afraid of moving on that you think being still is the safest thing to do.

They change to the point where whatever good you did for them, counts for nothing, and it’s more like they can pay you back for all your little gestures of love and affection. Probably your affection is just another favour they owe, like a loan they took once.

 They change to the point where you have to stop and ask yourself- “this is what you let in?” Not a ‘who’, but a ‘what’. Because that person no longer feels like a person anymore, the person becomes more of an object that causes you pain every time you look at ‘it’, think about ‘it’ or maybe just name ‘it’.

They change to the point where at some point it stops hurting. Where it becomes numb. And it’s more of a joke; the trust, the love, the memories, all become a joke and you laugh at it, and feel so stupid for putting faith in ‘it’. That point is where I am right now.

This part of my life is called being numb. You can cut me and you will not find blood. This is where I have reached, to being numb. I have made my share of mistakes, I agree. But I am also sure that I have never made anyone numb. And I hope I never do a thing such as this, because that would be the end of me as I know it.

It does not feel as bad now, as it felt a few months back, being left and isolated has become so common that it feels a part of normal life, and although there still are people whom I have let in my world and placed close to my heart, I no longer give them the right to break me down. Because I don’t know what point lies ahead of being numb, and to tell you the truth, I have no intentions of exploring any further. I’d rather die.